Why You Miss Someone Who Treated You Badly
Leaving a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship can often feel confusing and even frustrating when part of you still misses the person who hurt you. You might be asking yourself, “Why do I miss them? Does this mean I made a mistake? Am I weak?”
Missing someone who caused you pain doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means you’re human and there are valid, trauma-informed reasons this happens.
Emotional Bonds Don’t Disappear Overnight
Relationships, no matter if they are healthy or unhealthy, create strong emotional and neurological connections in our systems. Your brain gets used to the highs and lows of that relationship, even if the “highs” were brief and the “lows” were damaging. It’s normal to miss the comfort of the familiar, even if the relationship itself was harmful.
This dynamic is often called trauma bonding. It happens when intermittent affection followed by mistreatment creates an emotional loop that’s hard to break. You start to crave the small moments of softness because they offer relief from the pain and your brain starts associating those with love.
You're Mourning What You Needed, Not Just What You Had
When you miss a toxic partner, you may not actually be missing them. You might be grieving the potential you saw in them, the hope you had, the vision you had for your future, and the parts of yourself that you lost along the way. You’re also possibly mourning the safety, stability, or love you deserved but didn’t receive. And that’s an important distinction because it allows you to hold compassion for yourself without romanticizing what harmed you.
Guilt, Confusion, and Self-Doubt Are Normal
After abuse or manipulation, it’s common to second-guess your feelings. You might feel guilty for leaving, or unsure if your pain was real enough to justify it. But emotional abuse can be incredibly subtle. It chips away at your confidence and clarity until you’re left feeling like everything was your fault.
If you're feeling torn, remind yourself: you left for a reason. Let that be your anchor. And it’s okay for there to be grief mixed in with relief. Both can exist at the same time.
What to Do When You Miss Them
Acknowledge it without judgment. Telling yourself to “just get over it” only adds shame. Try: “It makes sense that I miss them sometimes. I’m allowed to feel this way.”
Write about what you’re missing. Is it connection? Security? Attention? Naming the deeper need helps you understand what you’re really longing for and shows you what to rebuild in healthier ways.
Talk to someone you trust. Emotional confusion needs safe spaces. A therapist can help you untangle what’s memory, what’s trauma, and what’s truth.
Reclaim your voice. Journaling, creative expression, and mindfulness are great tools to reconnect with yourself after your voice has been minimized in a relationship.
Stay grounded in your “why.” Go back to the reasons you chose to leave. Re-read journal entries, talk with a trusted friend, or create a “reminder list” to revisit when your nostalgia creeps in.
Missing Them Doesn’t Mean You’re Going Back
Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s full of curveballs, setbacks, and emotional waves. Missing someone who hurt you doesn’t mean you’re weak. It means you’re healing from something powerful enough to leave an imprint. You’re allowed to feel sadness and miss what felt familiar. And you’re allowed to keep choosing peace and self-respect over and over again.
Need Support as You Heal?
Whether you’re supporting someone else or exploring your own healing after emotional abuse, I’m here to help. Ready to take the next step toward healing? Reach out for a free consultation here.
You deserve to know the truth about emotional abuse. That’s why I created a free guide highlighting 7 hidden signs most women don’t recognize. It’s a safe place to start understanding and reclaiming your power. Download your free guide here and receive ongoing support and resources.
This blog is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional therapy or crisis intervention.
Your privacy matters. Read my Privacy Policy to learn how your information is protected.
