Relearning Your Needs After Putting Everyone Else First

If you’ve spent years in relationships where your needs didn’t matter or where they were dismissed, criticized, or used against you it makes sense that tuning into them now feels difficult.

You might feel unsure about what you actually want. You might hesitate before expressing a preference, automatically defaulting to what would make someone else more comfortable. Maybe you hear a voice in your head saying things like:
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Don’t make it about you.”
“They’ve got it harder, just let it go.”

That voice isn’t your truth. It’s your conditioning.

When You Learn to Abandon Yourself

In emotionally abusive or toxic relationships, it often felt safer to suppress your needs. You may have learned that being easygoing, low-maintenance, or self-sacrificing helped avoid conflict or rejection. Maybe your needs were met with anger. Or maybe they were met with silence, so you stopped asking.

The longer you lived that way, the more disconnected you may have become from your own emotional signals. You became the one who gave, accommodated, and made everything work, but in the process, you may have lost touch with what you truly needed to feel safe, seen, and supported.

How Reconnecting With Your Needs Actually Works

Reclaiming your needs after abuse isn’t about being “high maintenance” or “selfish.” It’s about gently turning inward and asking, What do I feel? What do I want? What would feel nourishing right now?

Sometimes, this work starts small. Noticing when you’re hungry. Saying no when your body tightens. Realizing that you feel anxious after being around someone who drains you.

And as that awareness grows, so does your permission to take up space.

In therapy, this often sounds like:
“I don’t even know what my needs are.”
“I feel bad asking for anything.”
“I’ve always been the one who just adapts.”

We work together to peel back those beliefs, the ones that kept you feeling small, and reconnect you with the part of you that knows exactly what you need.

You Deserve to Be Supported, Too

If you’ve spent years putting everyone else first, it’s okay if you’re not sure how to show up for yourself now. Learn how I support women in relearning their needs and building self-trust after toxic relationships here.

This blog is for informational purposes only and does not replace professional therapy or crisis intervention.

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