Why Do I Feel Guilty for Putting Myself First? Healing People-Pleasing Patterns

Many women who have experienced toxic or emotionally abusive relationships describe feeling guilty when they put their needs first. This guilt often shows up when saying no, setting a boundary, or even taking time for themselves. Over time, these feelings of guilt can become overwhelming and lead to a pattern of constantly putting others first.

This is commonly known as people-pleasing. People-pleasing often develops as a survival strategy. If it felt safer to prioritize others’ needs in past relationships, you may have learned to silence your own. While this helped you cope at the time, it can make it difficult to trust yourself and know what you truly want now.

Guilt often arises because of old beliefs such as “I will upset someone if I say no” or “I don’t deserve to rest.” These messages may have been reinforced by experiences in unhealthy or toxic dynamics where your needs were ignored or minimized.

Healing people-pleasing patterns takes time and compassion. Small steps, such as practicing saying no in low-pressure situations or reframing guilt as a signal of growth rather than selfishness, can help. Grounding practices, journaling, and self-reflection can also support you when guilt feels overwhelming.

Therapy can be a space to explore where people-pleasing patterns began and how to release them. With support, you can begin to rebuild trust in yourself and create relationships where your needs matter as much as anyone else’s.

If you would like support in healing people-pleasing patterns and learning how to prioritize yourself with compassion, I offer both online therapy across Ontario and in-person sessions in Burlington. You can book a consultation through my Jane link: https://guidingyou.janeapp.com.

The information shared in this blog is for general educational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional mental health care. Reading this does not create a therapist–client relationship. If you are experiencing distress or need support, please reach out to a qualified mental health professional.

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