Was It Really That Bad? Why You’re Still Doubting Your Toxic Relationship
If you’ve left a toxic or emotionally abusive relationship, you may find yourself stuck in a loop of doubt. Maybe you’ve said things like:“It wasn’t that bad.” “I’m being dramatic.” “They weren’t always like that.”
This kind of second-guessing themselves is one of the most common things I hear from women in therapy, and it makes so much sense. Emotional abuse doesn’t always leave visible marks, and it often hides behind affection, apologies, or the illusion of “trying.” That’s why it’s so easy to look back and question whether what you experienced really counts as abuse. But if you’re asking that question, it’s worth listening to.
Emotional Abuse Blurs the Lines on Purpose
Toxic relationships are rarely black and white. One day might be full of tension, blame, or manipulation. The next day could be full of compliments, closeness, or calm. That emotional whiplash makes it incredibly hard to know what’s real, and over time, it can erode your ability to trust your own perception.
You may start to focus on the “good times,” minimize the bad ones, or tell yourself that other people have it worse. That’s not because you’re naive, it’s because your nervous system learned how to survive by focusing on hope. But surviving something doesn’t mean it wasn’t harmful.
Why You Keep Doubting Yourself
One of the cruelest parts of emotional abuse is that it teaches you to question your reality. You may have been told you were too sensitive, overreacting, or “crazy.” You might have learned to take the blame just to keep the peace. And even now, outside the relationship, those internalized messages can keep running in the background.
It’s not uncommon to miss the person who hurt you, or to feel guilt or confusion about leaving. You’re grieving the version of the relationship you hoped it could be. That’s part of the process.
But just because you have doubts doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision. In fact, healing often begins with honoring what your body and intuition were trying to tell you all along.
You Don’t Need Proof to Take Your Pain Seriously
If you were constantly walking on eggshells…
If your needs were ignored or shamed…
If you left feeling small, anxious, or erased…
That’s enough. You don’t need a label, a checklist, or someone else’s permission to validate what you lived through.
Therapy can help you start trusting yourself again — not just your memories, but your feelings, your needs, and your instincts. It’s not about rehashing the past for the sake of pain. It’s about helping you feel grounded in your truth, and safe enough to move forward.
If you’re caught in the cycle of “Was it really that bad?”, you don’t have to untangle it alone. Explore how I support women in rebuilding clarity and self-trust after toxic relationships here.
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